I put a lot of my articles on this blog. I am a freelance writer so a lot of the time I get to choose what I write about. Thats one of the perks of the job as I get to write about things that I like. So whenever I write an article about something relevant to pagans I post it on here. But I also use this blog as many do to relate my thoughts and things that are going on in my life. I tend to limit this to things that are relevant to other Pagans, though. This is one of those personal posts.
I had a very rough afternoon today; an emotionally straining one to say the least. I feel mentally beat up like someone walked up and beat the crap out of my psyche. Yep, a metaphorical curb stomps got me down.
Im not going to get into why I feel that way beyond summing up my issues. It would take too long and as we all have our own problems I dont think anyones going to want to read a few thousand words that detail mine. Besides, what Im going through now is pretty common. I bet most of you will understand with just a brief description.
Financial worries have me stretched to the limit, as usual. I grew up in poverty around dysfunction, abuse, and substance abuse of all kinds. The poverty has proved to be the hardest cycle to break out of. Things that werent a big deal as a child and very young adult are becoming a big deal now. An example: crowded teeth that crack each other, making them more prone to cavities. And when you dont have money to have a cavity fixed you end up needing a crown. Lack of health insurance, no savings and a horrible economy have really taken their toll on me.
I am a single parent living far from all my blood relatives, except my children. Like many women I am solely responsible for providing for and caring for two of my three children. Their father helps in now way what so ever and hasnt seen them in two years. That puts a huge burden on me trying to be mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle to my kids. I have friends who help me though (thanks guys I dont know what Id do without you!).
Ive slowly been working my way through college. I know I will get through this dark time, I always do and end up stronger for the struggle. But sometimes I must admit, the fight is bigger than me. Today was one of those days. And Im sorry to say that it got the best of me for a while. I broke down crying. Between bouts of tears I was wringing my hands anxiously thinking about everything I need to do to: not only keep going but get ahead at least a little bit. If I dont then my situation wont get any better. But its a very tall order.
As rough as its been, I came to a realization today about personal power. And this realization is an important one. While I was freaking out thinking of all my responsibilities, I noticed that I was having an extremely high amount of negative thoughts. Like "I can' t do this." "It's not possible." "There's just no way." "This won't get any better." "There's nothing I can do."
And being a pagan, I have a strong belief in the power of the mind. I realized that I got in my own way today, many different times. I was sitting there freaking out when I could have been working to make my situation better. How much time did I waste like that? And how often do I waste my energy during the day, because I have so many worries in the back of my mind? But most importantly, how often do my negative thoughts manifest themselves in my reality? And when I consider the run of bad luck I've been having for a while, I think I may have been jinxing myself and attracting negativity to me for some time.
I've been feeling helpless in the face of all of that. But, I should know better. After all, I am a witch, or what?? I mean I've spent years learning magick, ritual and communion with the Gods and Goddesses. Like all learned witches, I can walk between worlds yet here I am feeling sorry for myself and like I have no power. Also, like all people, I have talents and gifts many of them when I stop and think about it. Unfortunately, I haven't been using them all. And the ones I choose to use have been negatively affected by my anxiety and response to stress.
It's time I remembered that I have power and stop dreading the day when I wake up in the morning. I need to start waking up like I used to: excited because with a new day I had another chance to make my life better and pursue both happiness and my dreams. Sure that was easier when I had less baggage, fewer regrets and the endless energy of a teenager. But I have had many positive things come to me in the years between now and then. I am have much more wisdom now than I did then. Sure I was a real go-getter in my teens. A real "go-get-myself-in-trouble-leaping-before-I-look" kind of person. I'm better off now and I need to remember that.
So with all of that in mind, I'm going to bed now (I'll post this later) and in the morning when I wake up I'm going to remember that every new day is a gift, a chance and an opportunity.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
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